Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
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Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “