in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
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Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
tinder is all about the long game
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button