best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
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A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Well, shit
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Thinking about Jeff
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.