ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
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It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money