Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of thedad's best tweets

@thedad : Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

@thedad: [INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*

@thedad: [House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I'm not sure we'll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I'LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

@thedad: Welcome to parenthood. You're about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

@thedad: Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don't forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

@thedad: Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what

@thedad: Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

@thedad: Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

@thedad: [god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

@thedad: Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon