@thedad: [INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
@thedad: [House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I'm not sure we'll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I'LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
@thedad: Welcome to parenthood. You're about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
@thedad: Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don't forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
@thedad: Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
@thedad: Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
@thedad: Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
@thedad: [god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em