If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
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Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I like long walks away from everyone
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too