John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
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My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
that de-escalated quickly
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?