My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
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The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Batman v Dracula
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Alexa: *deep breath*
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet