I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
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Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I’ve had worse
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err