After how many years should you clean your microwave?
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Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.