Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
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Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.