@theevilwriter: Tip: if you often say things like "there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence" they won't ask you to mentor new coworkers.
@theevilwriter: When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
@theevilwriter: Dreamed I won the lottery last night - $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
@theevilwriter: You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I'd be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
@theevilwriter: I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn't do what I wanted.
@theevilwriter: Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn't going to get my floors washed.
@theevilwriter: The local news says we can tell there's been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.