Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
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twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
😂😂😂
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
me and the Superbowl rn
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.