[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
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What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
put ‘er there pardner!
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.