Last-minute gift idea!
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I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
oh u like geography? name every lake
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’