[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
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*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter