Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
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I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Pringles
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels