I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
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DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.