Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
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My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Thursday Thought.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming