My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
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Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
My dating profile:
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Sell your car
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.