Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of themiltron's best tweets

@themiltron : [showing my pool to a friend] and this is my hole, it's where i keep too much water

@themiltron: humans: we're gonna eat you
chicken: shit, i guess i better lay some eggs to further the species
humans: cool, we'll eat those too

@themiltron: PERSON WHO JUST INVENTED WINDOWS: Check it out.

PERSON WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT CURTAINS: I hate it.

@themiltron: [the invention of money]
i want your stuff
"it's mine tho"
what if i gave you a hard circle or a long paper
"hmmm"

@themiltron: her: what's your sign? im a cancer
me [never heard of astrology before]: im a aids

@themiltron: i hate the outside
*invents houses*
i kinda miss it now
*invents windows*

@themiltron: [first day as a coroner]
me: he died at 11:42AM
detective: are you positive
me: it's hard with all this death but i'm hanging in there

@themiltron: i couldn't tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

@themiltron: god: behold, my creatio--
people: some rocks are more important than others
god: what?
people: i would literally kill for the yellow rock

@themiltron: [god creating snakes]

how about a sock that's angry all the time