You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
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Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
“TGIM!” – My liver
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I cannot stop laughing at this
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*