Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
You Might Also Like
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.