Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of thenatewolf's best tweets

@thenatewolf : *You at a concert* Dancing, singing, feeling the beat, letting loose. *Me at a concert* Waiting for the bass player to make eye contact and then giving a thumbs up so they know they’re doing a good job and someone cares.

@thenatewolf: ME: Being a scientist is just asking questions. So, in a way, we’re all scientists.

ACTUAL SCIENTIST: No. Becoming a scientist requires years of-

ME: Looking up at the stars in wonderment. I hear you, respected peer.

@thenatewolf: I saw a woman with the same haircut as me the other day and I wanted to be like “Same haircut!” but I didn’t because no matter what kind of day she’s having she doesn’t need that right now.

@thenatewolf: ME IN PUBLIC: I don’t believe in ghosts.

ME WHEN I’M ALONE AND HEAR ANY CREAK IN THE HOUSE: Pappy?

@thenatewolf: *She gazes lovingly into my eyes*

HER: What are you thinking about?

ME: [remembering my contractual obligations] How Lexus continues to redefine luxury year after year.

@thenatewolf: *Trying to come up with the most romantic thing I could possibly say*

You’re like if my friend Brent was a girl.

@thenatewolf: BATMAN: All this crime... it’s really starting to get to me. Maybe I should take a break.

COMMISSIONER GORDON: [Thinking about how much work he had to do before Batman] That’s exactly what The Joker wants.

@thenatewolf: EVOLUTION: Behold, the cat, the perfect combination of stealth, power, and aggression. After millions of years, I have finally created the greatest hunter of them all.

*I place a very small bell on the cat’s collar*

EVOLUTION: No! Stop! You’re ruining it!!!

@thenatewolf: Horror movies in the 50’s were just mysteries with extra cobwebs and two well-timed lightning cracks.

Horror movies now are like: “Your addiction to technology woke up the devil and he’s spent the last thousand years thinking up some weirdly elaborate sexual torture techniques”

@thenatewolf: Me: [being arrested] how did you find me?

Detective: literally crumbs