@thenatewolf: YOU: I feel so much better since I started eating more fruits and vegetables.
ME: [lighting a french fry like a cigarette] You're weak.
@thenatewolf: ME: If only there was an instrument that sounded like a really sassy duck.
CLARINET PLAYER: [excitedly moistening his reed] Buckle up baby.
@thenatewolf: ME: [forgetting the name of someone I went to school with for years] Hey… man!
ME: [watching GoT] That’s Randyll Tarly, Samwell’s father.
@thenatewolf: *I see a guy with a shark tooth necklace*
ME: Holy shit, that's sharpest part of a shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
@thenatewolf: *At a party*
STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit?
ME: No I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.
@thenatewolf: God's Assistant: really? Leather wings on a mouse's body? I think you're just in a bad mood.
God: ALSO MAKE IT BLIND AND SCREECHING
@thenatewolf: *angrily throws glass of bourbon into the fireplace*
I'M SORRY MY RUDE WIFE DIDN'T OFFER YOU A DRINK, MR. FIRE!!!!
@thenatewolf: Date: my worst fear is not living up to my own expectations. You?
Me: that if I ever lay across a piano while I'm singing it won't hold me.
@thenatewolf: *I hold my date's hand for the first time*
Date: I've got butterflies in my stomach
Me: same. I ate A LOT of butterflies before this