Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of thenatewolf's best tweets

@thenatewolf : Reading about Selena Gomez getting a kidney from her best friend and thinking about my friend who said he didn't like to loan out his DVDs.

@thenatewolf: YOU: I feel so much better since I started eating more fruits and vegetables.

ME: [lighting a french fry like a cigarette] You're weak.

@thenatewolf: ME: If only there was an instrument that sounded like a really sassy duck.

CLARINET PLAYER: [excitedly moistening his reed] Buckle up baby.

@thenatewolf: ME: [forgetting the name of someone I went to school with for years] Hey… man!

ME: [watching GoT] That’s Randyll Tarly, Samwell’s father.

@thenatewolf: *I see a guy with a shark tooth necklace*

ME: Holy shit, that's sharpest part of a shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?

@thenatewolf: *At a party*

STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit?

ME: No I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.

@thenatewolf: God's Assistant: really? Leather wings on a mouse's body? I think you're just in a bad mood.

God: ALSO MAKE IT BLIND AND SCREECHING

@thenatewolf: *angrily throws glass of bourbon into the fireplace*

I'M SORRY MY RUDE WIFE DIDN'T OFFER YOU A DRINK, MR. FIRE!!!!

@thenatewolf: Date: my worst fear is not living up to my own expectations. You?

Me: that if I ever lay across a piano while I'm singing it won't hold me.

@thenatewolf: *I hold my date's hand for the first time*

Date: I've got butterflies in my stomach

Me: same. I ate A LOT of butterflies before this