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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
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Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.