Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
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So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
doing some research
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority