Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
You Might Also Like
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”