@thepunningman: Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don't believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
@thepunningman: Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
@thepunningman: [two women sunbathing in garden]
"It's so nice out here"
"Where's that creepy guy who lives next door?"
HEDGE "He's away for the weekend"
@thepunningman: Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
@thepunningman: Name please
Your full name
[quietly] "Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade"
@thepunningman: Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don't think your wife will want "THE GOAT IS MINE" inscribed on her wedding ring
@thepunningman: Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I'll be banned for life. But I'm willing to take the whisk.
@thepunningman: Me: Janet's boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet's bf: [tapping on car window] Don't forget about Gandhi
@thepunningman: Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I'll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports