Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
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WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying