Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of therealeatwood's best tweets

@therealeatwood : ME: I’m adorably inept and naïve! CHILD: That’s only cute on Twitter. Get off the floor and take me to soccer.

@therealeatwood: CASHIER: Your total is $18.54

ME: A fine year!

CASHIER (WHO IS BLACK): Was it

@therealeatwood: [Someone spills a liquid]

ME: [authoritative, like a surgeon] Get me some wet paper towels… [raising one eyebrow] AND some dry paper towels

@therealeatwood: ADMIRAL: We must surround and board the enemy’s ship

CHIEF PETTY OFFICER: And then we can walk right past them like they’re not even there

@therealeatwood: What is the deal with beverages being called Dry, you are literally lying

@therealeatwood: Day 1: injected self with mouse DNA

Day 2: ate 12 blocks of cheese

Day 3: 15 blocks

Day 4: experiment is failure; no observable changes

@therealeatwood: RICE: You think you’re so fancy

COUSCOUS: How dare you, commoner!

QUINOA: [getting hot stone massage] Can you peasants keep it down?

@therealeatwood: NELLY FURTADO: I’m suing you for stealing my name

DEMI LOVATO: But my name is Demi Lovato

NELLY: Right

DEMI: That’s different

NELLY: How

@therealeatwood: MUGGER: Yo give me your wallet

ME: Stand back! I have a black belt in Shaq Fu

MUGGER: Huh?

ME: Hiii-YAH! [badly misses a free throw]

@therealeatwood: Pac-Man was trending today and I got kind of freaked out for a minute but don’t worry he’s fine