Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of therealeatwood's best tweets

@therealeatwood : I can’t believe it’s 2017 and capital i is still indistinguishable from lowercase L

@therealeatwood: Call me old-fashioned but I think a woman should use her mouth for its intended purpose: for carrying her babies as cats carry their kittens

@therealeatwood: I love kickboxing and think there should be kick versions of more sports, like kickbowling and kickbadminton

@therealeatwood: ME: [spraying hose to make a rainbow over a bear trap]
WIFE: stop trying to trap a leprechaun
ME: I really want a pot of gold or some cereal

@therealeatwood: BRAIN: Wake up! Someone’s knocking on the door of your hotel room!
ME: No one is knocking and I’m not at a hotel.
BRAIN: Haha, you’re up tho

@therealeatwood: ME: Stop hemming and hawing

DONKEY TAILOR: [with quiet dignity] Sir, you may take your business elsewhere

@therealeatwood: “…and silk so fine, Sire, that fools cannot even see it.”

EMPEROR: So idiots can see through my clothes? That sounds completely acceptable.

@therealeatwood: SATAN: Turn these stones into bread

JESUS: No

SATAN: Turn them into raspberry swirl cheesecake

JESUS: [clenching eyes shut] No

@therealeatwood: ME: We were doing the spaghetti thing from Lady and the Tramp! Ever heard of romance?

MANAGER: Sir, you cannot kiss a dog in my restaurant.