@therealeatwood: CASHIER: Your total is $18.54
ME: A fine year!
CASHIER (WHO IS BLACK): Was it
@therealeatwood: [Someone spills a liquid]
ME: [authoritative, like a surgeon] Get me some wet paper towels… [raising one eyebrow] AND some dry paper towels
@therealeatwood: ADMIRAL: We must surround and board the enemy’s ship
CHIEF PETTY OFFICER: And then we can walk right past them like they’re not even there
@therealeatwood: What is the deal with beverages being called Dry, you are literally lying
@therealeatwood: Day 1: injected self with mouse DNA
Day 2: ate 12 blocks of cheese
Day 3: 15 blocks
Day 4: experiment is failure; no observable changes
@therealeatwood: RICE: You think you’re so fancy
COUSCOUS: How dare you, commoner!
QUINOA: [getting hot stone massage] Can you peasants keep it down?
@therealeatwood: NELLY FURTADO: I’m suing you for stealing my name
DEMI LOVATO: But my name is Demi Lovato
DEMI: That’s different
@therealeatwood: MUGGER: Yo give me your wallet
ME: Stand back! I have a black belt in Shaq Fu
ME: Hiii-YAH! [badly misses a free throw]
@therealeatwood: Pac-Man was trending today and I got kind of freaked out for a minute but don’t worry he’s fine