If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
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Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
How did we not see this back then?
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that