Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
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Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.