this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
You Might Also Like
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Squirrels before girls.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
A classic…
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
The government even made aliens boring
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you