Funny Tweeter

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Page of theshamingofjay's best tweets

@theshamingofjay : God: thou shall not kill Me: but my coworker whistles all day God: still no Me: he says ciao instead of goodbye God: do what you have to

@theshamingofjay: Me: ugh I have to wear a tie today, adulting sucks.
Grandpa: I had to fight in World War II when I was 19.
Me: I guess you kind of get it.

@theshamingofjay: What is everyone writing songs about?

John: revolution

Paul: forgiveness

George: true love

Ringo: hmm, a submarine or maybe an octopus

@theshamingofjay: Growing a beard comes from laziness. If you ladies think that's sexy I have some laundry on my bedroom floor that'll turn you on.

@theshamingofjay: TRUMP: I'm building a wall to keep Mexicans out.
AMERICANS: I'm going to Canada if Trump is elected.
CANADIANS: We need to build a wall.

@theshamingofjay: Cop: did you do it?
Me: no
Cop: you know it's truthful Tuesday right?
Me: it's actually Wednesday
Cop: damn it, who's your crush then

@theshamingofjay: You can tell a lot about a person based on how long it takes them to find the gun emoji.

@theshamingofjay: Forgot my Fitbit because it was charging and now it's like I walked for no reason.

@theshamingofjay: My son just said he doesn't like cheese and now I have to interview all the mailmen in my neighborhood

@theshamingofjay: Waiter: how do you want your burger?
Me: *points to girl at another table not taking a picture of her dinner* that rare