Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of theshantilly's best tweets

@theshantilly : Him: "What should I pick up for the storm?" Me: "Nachos." "I meant essentials. We could be stranded." "Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka."

@theshantilly: Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

@theshantilly: [pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

@theshantilly: If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

@theshantilly: "Let me make this very clear..."

- Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant

@theshantilly: Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

- Dog Logic

@theshantilly: *avoids eye contact until 10 ft from friend

*keeps avoiding eye contact

*walks by friend

*hears friend calling name

*breaks into a run

@theshantilly: 10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

@theshantilly: *shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

@theshantilly: NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED