Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of theshantilly's best tweets

@theshantilly : Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%. - Dog Logic

@theshantilly: *avoids eye contact until 10 ft from friend

*keeps avoiding eye contact

*walks by friend

*hears friend calling name

*breaks into a run

@theshantilly: 10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

@theshantilly: *shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

@theshantilly: NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

@theshantilly: Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it's fluffy, I just let it hit me.

@theshantilly: Don't let anyone tell you who you are unless you're concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

@theshantilly: If you can't stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

@theshantilly: My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me.

@theshantilly: 9: I'm writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I'll write something else.