Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of theshantilly's best tweets

@theshantilly : NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

@theshantilly: Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it's fluffy, I just let it hit me.

@theshantilly: Don't let anyone tell you who you are unless you're concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

@theshantilly: If you can't stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

@theshantilly: My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me.

@theshantilly: 9: I'm writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I'll write something else.

@theshantilly: 7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.

@theshantilly: Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I'm not.

CW: Really angry.

Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE

@theshantilly: My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.