Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
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Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.