Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
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Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Cat is stressing him out.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14