@thestlouisan: [Delivery room]
Her: I was thinking we could call him Rob
Me: If we're naming him after felonies, why not just call him Arson, Linda?!
@thestlouisan: [Health fair]
"Would you like a free diabetes cookbook?"
Me [leaning in close]: Why would I ever want to cook diabetes?
@thestlouisan: I'm 39 and I still don't know where to look when the dentist is working on my teeth.
@thestlouisan: All I'm saying is, would it have killed Star Wars to give the audience a peek at the Death Star cafeteria?
@thestlouisan: -Crowded Restaurant-
Me: Table for four, please.
Me: Now, to get married & have two kids...
@thestlouisan: ME: A restful night's sleep sounds nice
BRAIN: Here's a dream about an owl with teeth
WIFE: Will you get coffee and a bagel for 6?
ME: He's too young for coffee
W: Coffee's for me
M: Where's the comma?
@thestlouisan: *Plots revenge by getting a job at a fast food restaurant and waiting for nemesis to drive thru and not putting a straw in their bag*
@thestlouisan: My grandpa slept in snow in the Battle of the Bulge
& I'm considering throwing out this cup of water bc it has some tiny floaty things in it