Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of thestlouisan's best tweets

@thestlouisan : Welcome to your 40s. Why did I come into this room?

@thestlouisan: [Delivery room]

Her: I was thinking we could call him Rob

Me: If we're naming him after felonies, why not just call him Arson, Linda?!

@thestlouisan: [Health fair]

"Would you like a free diabetes cookbook?"

Me [leaning in close]: Why would I ever want to cook diabetes?

@thestlouisan: I'm 39 and I still don't know where to look when the dentist is working on my teeth.

@thestlouisan: All I'm saying is, would it have killed Star Wars to give the audience a peek at the Death Star cafeteria?

@thestlouisan: -Crowded Restaurant-
Me: Table for four, please.
Me: Now, to get married & have two kids...

@thestlouisan: ME: A restful night's sleep sounds nice

BRAIN: Here's a dream about an owl with teeth

@thestlouisan: [Texting]

WIFE: Will you get coffee and a bagel for 6?
ME: He's too young for coffee
W: Coffee's for me
M: Where's the comma?
M: Hello?

@thestlouisan: *Plots revenge by getting a job at a fast food restaurant and waiting for nemesis to drive thru and not putting a straw in their bag*

@thestlouisan: My grandpa slept in snow in the Battle of the Bulge
& I'm considering throwing out this cup of water bc it has some tiny floaty things in it