Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of thestlouisan's best tweets

@thestlouisan : Oh, lovely. You're doing your jogging in the street. Where cars drive.

@thestlouisan: - Password must be stronger -

ME: mybodyodorafterexercisingjkidontexercise

@thestlouisan: [1340]
Goddammit, the only meat we've had in months has spoiled

[2017]
Goddammit, there's a seed in this watermelon

@thestlouisan: I do this thing where I reply "Maybe" to calendar invites I receive from my wife for date nights she's planned.

I sleep on the couch a lot.

@thestlouisan: I Don't Know, In The House Somewhere
-A family autobiography

@thestlouisan: WHERE IS THE CHRISTMAS TREE EMOJI THIS IS A GODDAMN WAR ON CHRISTMAS IVE HAD ENOUGH OF TH-- oh there it is

@thestlouisan: *opens bathroom door so everyone can hear me washing my hands*

@thestlouisan: I Really Didn't Think I'd Need A Cart
~ A Costco Story ~

@thestlouisan: A young cephalopod breaks from the school.
Swimming mightily, he strives to avoid becoming calamari.
He has [looks at camera] squid goals.

@thestlouisan: *walks into adult superstore*

Yes, one adult please.