Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of thestlouisan's best tweets

@thestlouisan : WHERE IS THE CHRISTMAS TREE EMOJI THIS IS A GODDAMN WAR ON CHRISTMAS IVE HAD ENOUGH OF TH-- oh there it is

@thestlouisan: *opens bathroom door so everyone can hear me washing my hands*

@thestlouisan: I Really Didn't Think I'd Need A Cart
~ A Costco Story ~

@thestlouisan: A young cephalopod breaks from the school.
Swimming mightily, he strives to avoid becoming calamari.
He has [looks at camera] squid goals.

@thestlouisan: *walks into adult superstore*

Yes, one adult please.

@thestlouisan: Welcome to your 40s.

Why did I come into this room?

@thestlouisan: [Delivery room]

Her: I was thinking we could call him Rob

Me: If we're naming him after felonies, why not just call him Arson, Linda?!

@thestlouisan: [Health fair]

"Would you like a free diabetes cookbook?"

Me [leaning in close]: Why would I ever want to cook diabetes?

@thestlouisan: I'm 39 and I still don't know where to look when the dentist is working on my teeth.

@thestlouisan: All I'm saying is, would it have killed Star Wars to give the audience a peek at the Death Star cafeteria?