Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of thetits's best tweets

@thetits : WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY? [Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]

@thetits: FRIEND: OMG I'm so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don't think I'll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it's the best

@thetits: HER: I'd invite you in, but I never kill on a first date

ME: kill?

HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect

ME: we are talking out loud

@thetits: Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

@thetits: COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

@thetits: [texting]

ME: I like you, I think you're cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

@thetits: BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno "reverse" card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

@thetits: PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals

ME: no problem

[later w/ a group]

ME: that’s Greg, & that's Linda…

@thetits: Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

@thetits: [end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*