Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
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Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
cat vs inanimate object
I’d … I’d rather not.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.