Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
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if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.