Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
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My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.