[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
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I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!