one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
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Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.