Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
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Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
A comma is just a period with a mullet.