Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
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This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*