Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
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[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..