I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
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“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Sending in my taxes
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?