[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
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Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
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Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Perfection.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
They got Raph!
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again