My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
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I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.