Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
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Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven鈥檛 seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one鈥檚 around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
DM: hi I鈥檓 Emily and I live in your area 馃拫
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she鈥檇 put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU鈥橰E SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned