It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
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My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Don’t touch that.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
WHY would you be happy about this?
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.